An older man smiles broadly as he leans over to tell a story to another person who is not in the photo.

50 best Jewish jokes

1. A Jewish mother’s answering machine:

For Kugel, press 1
For knishes, press 2
For chicken soup, press 3
For matzoh balls in the soup, press 4

…If you’re calling to ask how I am feeling, you have the wrong number, because no one ever asks how I am feeling. No really, I am fine.

 

2. Did you hear about the successful businessman whose daughter got married to a frum young man?

The businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter very much, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a moneymaking organisation, but you don't like factories and you won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

 

3. Students were asked to write an essay about elephants:

Jack writes about the horrors of the ivory trade.
Jodie writes about the plight of the Indian elephant.
Homer writes about the mating ritual of the elephant.
Moshe writes about the elephant and the Jewish problem.

 

4. The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services." 

Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d. 

Moses said, "Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!"

G-d replied, "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson." 

Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE! 

Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!" 

"Sure," said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?" 

 

5. A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.

His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

 

6. Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their ageing mother: 

Avraham, the first son, said, "I built a big house for our mother."   

Moishe, the second, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."   

David, the youngest, said, "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible—Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."  

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother: 

"Avraham," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Moishe," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas—he's a pain in the tuchas. But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

 

7. Goldstein had been going to the same restaurant for 10 years. Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup. One day, as soon as he comes in, the waiter brings the soup over to his table.

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says as the waiter starts to walk away.

"What's the matter?" the waiter asks, "Every day you take the same barley soup."

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein repeats.

"You don't want the barley soup?" the waiter says, "I'll bring you something else."

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says once more.

"Is it too cold? Too salty? G-d forbid is there a fly in it? What's wrong with it?" said the waiter.

"Just taste the soup," insists Goldstein.

"Okay, okay, I'll taste the soup," says the waiter, wearily. "Where's the spoon?"

"Aha!"

 

8. Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?" 

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook; he always takes her out. She never has to clean; he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work; he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny." 

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?" 

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!" 

 

9. There was a man called Yaakov who lived near a river in America. He was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Yaakov was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While he was sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Yaakov to get in the boat. Yaakov said, "No, that's OK, G-d will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drove off. 

The water rose, so Yaakov climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along and the person in that one told Yaakov to get in. He replied, "No, that's OK, G-d will take care of me." The person in the boat left. 

The water rose even more, and Yaakov climbed on his chimney. Then a helicopter came and lowered a ladder. The man in the helicopter told Yaakov to climb up the ladder and get in. He told the man, "That's OK." The pilot said, "Are you sure?" Yaakov said, "Yeah, I'm sure G-d will take care of me." 

Finally, the water rose too high and Yaakov drowned. He got up to Heaven and spoke with the angel at the gate. Yaakov questioned, "Why didn't G-d take care of me! What happened?" 

The angel replied, "Well, He sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" 

 

10. Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, eyes wide and white as ghosts. Bubbie, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." 

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 MPH!" Bubbie says proudly. 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, she grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

The officer said, "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer says. 

Bubbie replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." 

 

11. The upset and concerned housewife Rivkah sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice. 

"Darling, how are you? This is Momma."   

"Oh Momma," she said, "I'm having a bad day." Breaking into bitter tears, she continued, "The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Goldbergs and Rosens for dinner tonight."   

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Momma handle it." She continued, "Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call your husband Morty at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." 

"Morty?" said Rivkah. "Who's Morty?" 

"Why, Morty's your husband!....Is this 223-1374?" 

"No, this is 223-1375." 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." 

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" 

 

12. A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.   

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.  

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" 

 "I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "G-d will provide for us." 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?" 

"Don't worry, sir. G-d will provide," replies the fiance. 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide. 

Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" 

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d." 

 

13. Just before Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough; he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. 

"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's two and a half hours long, tops." The terrorists promise to grant the wish. 

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long, then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish, too, and they turn to the shul president. 

"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes. "Shoot me first!" 

 

14. Rachel did a lot of travelling for her business, so she flew often. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Siddur along so she could read the traveller's prayer. It helped her relax.

One time, she was sitting next to a sceptical man. When he saw her pull out her Siddur, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there?" 

Rachel replied, "Of course!" 

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" 

"Oh, Yonah," responded Rachel. 

"Yes, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" 

Rachel, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to Heaven, I will ask him." 

"Well what if he isn't there?" the man asked sarcastically.  

"Then you can ask him," replied Rachel.

 

15. Mr Steen was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the doctor who was waiting by his bed. 

"You're going to be just fine, Mr Steen," the doctor said. 

The doctor was joined by a nurse who said, "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" 

Mr Steen said, "No, I'm not," in a whisper.   

"Then can you pay in cash?" the nurse persisted. 

"I'm afraid I cannot."   

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nurse questioned sternly. 

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she converted to.. she's a nun... in fact a real spinster." 

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr Steen. Nuns are not spinsters—they are married to G-d."  

"Wonderful, wonderful," Mr Steen. "In that case, please send my bill to my brother-in-law." 

 

16. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet. 

 

17.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson: he brought the house down. 

 

18. A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. 

When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed—also praying.

The man thinks to himself, "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh! I'm saved!" 

He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...hamotzi lechem min haaretz." 

 

19. Adam was walking through the Garden Eden feeling very lonely, so G-d asked him, "What's wrong, Adam?" 

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. 

G-d thought for a minute and then said that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called "wonderful."   

"Wonderful will gather food for you, cook for you, agree with your every decision, bear your children, never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them, never nag you, be the first to admit wrong when you've had a disagreement and wonderful never gives you a headache." 

Adam inquired, "What will wonderful cost?" 

G-d replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"   

 

20. Yaakov and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. 

Yaakov asked his father, "What is this, Avie?" 

His father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" 

While Yaakov and his father were watching wide-eyed a grumpy old woman shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady shuffled between them into a small room. The walls closed. They watched the small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. 

Smiling, the father turned to Yaakov and said, "Go get your mother."   

 

21. What's the difference between a Jewish mother-in-law and a Rottweiler? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 

22. A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. 

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."   

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.   

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. 

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office immediately after lunch."

 

23. Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." 

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week." 

The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."   

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" 

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that." 

 

24. Curious about Moishe Goldstein's great success, other attorneys paid a private eye to have him followed. The private eye carefully followed Mr Goldstein as he drove to a community about 50 miles away. 

Upon arriving in the community, Mr Goldstein drives right up to this small town post office, walks in and purchases "love stamps," then begins placing them on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. 

The curiosity of the private eye is getting the better of him, he goes up to Mr Goldstein and asks, "What are you doing?" 

Mr Goldstein responds, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 

"But why?" asks the man. 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," Mr Goldstein replies. 

 

25. Today my rabbi knocked at my door asking for a small donation towards the local mikva. I gave him a glass of water.

 

26. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

27. "Congratulations, Shlomo," said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day of your life.''

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," replied Moshe.

"I know," replied his uncle.

 

28. Abe was doing some roofing work for Yaacov. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Yaacov and says "I think I will have to go home; I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Yaacov asks, "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Abe replies, "No I only live round the corner." 

 

29. My wife Miriam and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

 

30. Mr and Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg asked his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

 

31. Four rabbis engaged in theological arguments and it was always three against one. Finally, the odd rabbi out appealed to a higher authority.

“G-d!” he cried. “I know I’m right! Please, a sign to prove it to them!”

Suddenly, from a clear day, it snowed. “See? A sign!”

“No,” said one of the others. “A little snow in winter is unusual?”

So again, “Please, G-d, a bigger sign!”

A huge icicle sent a tree tumbling. “Now is that not a sign?!”

“A sign of nature!” they insisted, again making it three to one.

Just as the rabbi was about to beg for an even bigger sign, the sky blackened and a booming voice intoned: “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”

The rabbi, hands on hips, said, “Well?!”

The others shrugged, “Big deal. So now it’s three to two.”

 

32. A Jewish mother and her four year old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please, G-d! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"

Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had a hat on....”

 

33. Avram went into church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued davening.

Again the clergyman said, "Will all non-Christians please leave."

And again, Avram prayed.

Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. "Will ALL JEWS please leave."

At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis, then went to the altar, picked up a statue of Jesus and said, "Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore."

 

34. During one service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Falling on hands and knees, forehead to the floor, he said, "Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”

The cantor, not to be outdone, also got down, forehead to wood and said, "Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing."

Seeing this, Levy, a tailor in the fourth row, left his seat, fell to his knees, forehead to the floor and he too said "Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”

With this, the cantor elbowed the rabbi and sniffed: "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

 

35. A young scholar from New York was invited to become a rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the 10 Commandments. 

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year old Mr Katz in the nursing home. "Mr Katz, I'm asking you as the oldest member of the community, what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the 10 Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr Katz. "Yesterday we read the 10 Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... " 

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

 

36. On a windy day in New York City, a Hassidic rabbi's fur hat flew off and was rescued by a man who returned it to the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Thank you, are you Jewish?" 

"No," said the man. 

"Well," said the rabbi, "I can't bless you, but I see an afternoon of great wealth for you." 

The man thinks, "What can it be? I know—I can make the last four races at the horse track."

He goes and looks at the programme and sees a horse named Top Hat in the next race.

"An omen," he thinks, and bets $100 and wins. The next race has a horse named Stetson—again he bets it all and wins. The next race features a horse named Beret, and he naturally wins again. He bets it all on the next race and loses everything. He goes home and tells his wife the story. 

"What horse did you bet on in the last race?" she asks. 

He says, "Chateau—French for hat." 

"Idiot," she says. "Chapeau is French for hat—by the way, who won the race?' 

"I don't know," he says, "some Japanese horse called Yarmulka!" 

 

37. An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.

"What's new, Sara?"

"Why it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies.

She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."

The husband began to laugh. "You don't realise how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"

The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"

 

38. Three bubbies sitting on a park bench. The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!" 

A few minutes later, the second bubbie sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!" 

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!" 

To which the first bubbie replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"

 

39. Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.

"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.

"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?"

Moskowitz said, "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"

"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to," said the parrot, who then returned to his praying.

Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot.

Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagogue in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray.

Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray.

Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off.

After the services, all of Moskowitz's friends laughed and collected their money. Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!"

The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol Nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre."

"Why? You didn't do anything today!" "Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"

 

40. A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.  

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."  

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.  

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.  

A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house."  

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.  

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man. I can't take any money from you. Go in peace."  

And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

 

41. A rabbi, a minister and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" 

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do."  To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling." 

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" 

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling." 

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" 

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

 

42. Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters. 

"Hello?" 

"Hello, is this KGB?" 

"Yes. What do you want?" 

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." 

"This will be noted." 

The next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. 

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" 

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?" 

"Yes, they did." 

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed."

 

43. One day, a rabbi decided to try pork without telling anybody. So he went to a non-kosher restaurant and ordered the pork.

Suddenly, a couple from his congregation walked into the restaurant. The couple came over to the rabbi's table and sat down. The waiter came out of the kitchen holding a big covered plate with the pork on it. The pork had an apple in its mouth. The waiter brought the plate to the table and lifted up the cover. The rabbi said, "What a restaurant! You ask them for a baked apple and look what they give you."

 

44. What did the Jewish mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair?

"Who catered it?"

 

45. A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him, "I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we are divorcing.  That's it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." 

The father hangs up and David immediately calls his sister and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." 

She calls Florida and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING 'til David and I get there!  We will be there Friday night."  The father says, "All right, all right, I'll wait." 

When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, "okay, they're coming for Passover. Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?"

 

46. An old Jewish man is knocked over by a car on Golders Green Road. Crowds gather before a paramedic arrives and gently rests the old man's head on his knee.

"Sir, are you comfortable?" asks the paramedic.

"I make a living," the old man replies.

 

47. A minister, a priest and a rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends, family and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

The minister says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."

The priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of G-d who made a huge difference in people's lives."

The rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

48. Moishe asked Shmuel, "Was your wife outspoken?"

Shmuel said, "Not by anyone I know of."

 

49. A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

She says, "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Bubbie, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asks.

The bubbie replies, "You're coming empty handed?" 

 

50. Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and looking for a parking space but can't find one. In desperation, he turns his face upwards and says, "Lord, if you find me a parking space, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher and will respect Shabbat and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a space opens up just in front of him. He turns his face back up and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

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